Henry VIII's London

Q. Hi Mr The Eighth! Blimey, it's a while since we saw you around these parts! Have you lost weight?

A. No.

Q. No, we didn't think so. So what brings you back to London after all this time?

A. Well, it's 500 years since my accession to the throne as King of England. And to celebrate, I'm having a right Royal knees-up at the Old Royal Naval College in Greenwich, which is the site of my old palace, Placentia.

Q. Placentia? That sounds like a headache tablet.

A. You'll have a headache if you're not careful – remember what happened to Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard!

Q. So what do you like best about London?

A. I love visiting the Royal palaces, like Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and St James's Palace, making sure my modern counterparts are doing their job properly (I'm watching you, Wills and Harry!). Wandering around Hyde Park, which used to be my hunting ground back in the day. And, of course, with so many great restaurants, I can eat like a King!

Q. That brings us onto our next question – where and when did you last eat out in London?

A. The Medieval Banquet in St Katharine's Dock. A four-course feast, live merriment, wenches and as much beer and wine as you can drink – how can you go wrong?

Q. Speaking of, ahem, "wenches", what would you say is London's most romantic spot?

A. It has to be Bankside. I'd start by taking my Queen to one of the new restaurants behind Tate Modern – there are loads of them! Then I'd take her to see a beheading or two at the London Dungeon. 

Finally, we'd call in at Shakespeare's Globe – from April to August, they're showing Romeo and Juliet. But in terms of romance, I'm not as prolific as I once was. These days, I leave that kind of thing to Russell Brand.

Q. What's the best party you've been to in London?

A. Where do I start? I've had six stag parties, remember! If you're looking for a good party, come to my shindig at the Old Royal Naval College on 13 and 14 June. There'll be battle re-enactments, falconry displays, 16th-century music and actors dressed up as Catherine of Aragon and me.

Q. What's the most recent play, gig or comedy act you've been to that you'd recommend?

A. Thriller – Live at the Lyric Theatre on Shaftesbury Avenue. I was told it was about the King – I didn't realise they meant the King of pop, Michael Jackson! It was brilliant, though – it was very energetic and I was dancing in the aisles. It took three stewards to shoehorn me out.

Q. What's your favourite shop in London?

A. You can't beat the luxury hampers at Fortnum & Mason. And I love shopping for vintage clothes in the Camden Town markets. You can pick up brilliant chain mail for next to nothing! Speaking of chain mail, you can check out some of my old armour and weapons at the Tower of London this year.

Q. If you were Mayor for the day, what would you change?

A. I'd change my waxwork at Madame Tussauds. I'd get the bloke who designed the Brad Pitt one to do mine. At the moment, I look like Justin Lee Collins.

Q. If you were invisible for the day, where would you go?

A. Me? Invisible? Have you seen the size of me?

Q. If you could take one piece from a London museum or gallery, what would it be?

A. Probably something like Michelangelo's Entombment from The National Gallery. Back in my day, Michelangelo was always painting walls and ceilings and stuff. He was like Banksy!

Q. What's your top tip for visitors to London?

A. Unless you're Royalty, you won't be given a carriage to drive around in. But the next best thing is a trip around London in a black cab! Oh, and if a fat bloke called Henry approaches you in a bar and asks you to marry him, say no.

Q. If you could go back to any period in London's history, when would it be?

A. Well, as you know, I love a good party and one of the best ever was my wedding to Catherine Parr at Hampton Court Palace in 1543. In fact, so good was it that I'm doing it all over again this year, with lavishly decorated rooms, feasting and authentic costume – and you're all invited!