London Dungeon

I'm used to queues, they don't generally bother me, but this place seems to have surpassed even my experiences in Moscow under the Communist regime. It's ridiculous - I'd bought tickets in advance, so was a bit peeved by the long line in the rain outside on Sunday 25th January, but hey, it's a tourist attraction. We got inside after about 30 minutes, then had to shuffle around the black hole that has already been mentioned (and witnessed more falls into the 'graves' - it's obviously a regular thing). What made the queuing unbearable though was the line stopped moving at one point, we waited for about another 30 minutes whilst a blonde girl in a jumper and leggings combo (very scary) went off to look for a camera. What was the camera for? The 'scary face in the pillory' shot, which I refused to do and was told in a very 'off' voice 'wasn't compulsory' go that way for tickets'. Got the tickets, another 30 minute queue to enter the Labyrinth. Admittedly, there were 'displays', but seriously, rubbish fake blood on plastic bodies and moving figures where the air operated actuators drowned out the scary sound effects? Puh-lease.

And so to the Labyrinth. Cue teenage actress in sparkly wig with fake head tremors and make up that would only be suitable for the poorest am dram Shakespeare production. She shrieked and howled and gesticulated, we went in the labyrinth. Nothing happened. Nada. No jumping out of people, only a couple of circuits of a mirrored corridor or two. Thence to the plague section (more appalling and unrelated make up), brief yada yada, then out. No doctor, nothing except more really fake figures.

The 'rubbish make up, overacting actors and shoddy sets' theme continued until the boat ride (the abve still applied, just with CCTV screens added for authenticity, next to the illuminated fire exit signs and extinguishers in glowing jackets). This was also about as terrifying as a boat at your local pond - backwards for about 10 seconds, a fine spray of water once, someone saying boo at the end. Another 15 minute wait outside Sweeney Todd's before the chairs flung us backwards (about an inch and a half). Boring Ripper nonsense (of course, with commentary from someone with weird makeup), strobe lit bloke as the Ripper,...I kind of lost the will to live from here on. The whole experience was shuffle, shuffle, wait....overacting, shrieking, shuffle, shuffle wait. Extremis was a joke - we were told to put 'loose stuff' behind the white line, sat down, winch up, models out of synch with soundtrack, drop, herded out into the souvenirs.

Seriously, don't bother going here, especially on a weekend. The impression of 'move them through, rush them out' was overwhelming, almost as overwhelming as the feeling the 'actors' were drama school drop outs working on the 'he who shrieks loudest is best' theory. The scariest part was the queuing by far, that and the absurd prices in the souvenir shop (tip - all of the non Dungeon branded stuff is available around Chinatown for half the price)

It's pretty much a load of bollocks though really, isn't it?

The truth is, if you have any interest in the historical facts they mention, you'd probably already know most of what they tell you, and yawn your way through it. Maybe I've just watched too many video nasties to stay awake for this. I just don't think it was worth paying for, and I personally would have been much more content with what some people would undoubtedly consider a more boring approach - more talk, less cheap tacky attempts to thrill or whatever. I guess I'm just more at home walking around actual historical sites hearing calm, relaxed people talking seriously about what went down in the place.

Half of what is inside the Dungeon you may appreciate if it was free at a carnival or something of this nature, like the mirror maze, etc. When a bloke in make-up sticks his face in mine, keeps it there and groans at me, I don't think "Eeek, a scary man!". I don't get scared or uncomfortable, I tend to just think "You idiot...get your ugly mug outta my face...save it for the kiddies."

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe it would be really interesting and exciting for young children and the kind of people who watch "Days Of Our Lives". Maybe it's just not for me.

For the price of admission, you could get some beer and a horror movie, and some random book on macabre historical facts to read afterwards. You’d probably even still have money left over for a decent meal.

Ok, so this isn't shaping up to be a particularly good review, I think the point that I'm trying to make is that due to the tourist trap feel and the complete lack of any other more genuine kind of atmosphere, what could have been quite interesting leaves you wondering why you bothered. Something along the lines of "Oh, man, how did I fall for that one?"