Barn Hotel

Have used the Barn before and not been impressed but needed somwehere to stay in a hurry and handy for the tube - proximity to Ruislip station must be why people stay there.

Person on reception was really quite unwelcoming, almost surley.

This time had a ground floor room at far end of garden. Got soaked in the rain while I fumbled about with the key in the dark trying to get in.

Once in, the room was like an oven. Radiators on full blast and no way of controlling them.

My employers had agreed to cover evening meal in the price. £25 for a two course meal seemed ridiculous. I work for a charity so felt I could not waste the charity's funds in this way and went out for sandwiches instead.

Last time I had the cooked breakfast there the fried egg was cold an virtually uncooked. This this time I just had cereals and toast which was OK.

I will not go back to the Barn. Instead I will trawl around on the internet for a local B&B and give them my custom

I will preface with saying I wasn't paying for this trip but I did select the hotel on the basis of the cunningly lit website pictures featuring the new Lodge. It was only one night and, sensibly, I called the hotel before and ensured I had a ground floor double room. A colleague and I had a simple sandwich lunch before a conference and that was fine. There were several parties of silver surfers lunching in the restaurant and this was a Monday. Coffee was good and service attentive. I loved the panelled public rooms and the furnishings, the nooks and crannies and the real fire. The bedroom was small and in need of a lot of attention. Other colleagues had quite a time with the showers which varied from scalding and fierce to dribbly and cold, mine came apart in my hand, but once I got the hang of it temperature and pressure were good. The restaurant where 8 of us dined was a revelation. The chef provided an excellent 2 or 3 course set menu with a more ambitious 'Tasting Menu'. He/she was the doyenne of the Amuse-Bouche we were tempted with little pastries and relishes and salmon mousse between courses plus a fruity dessert all included in the £25 or £29 per head. The colleague funding the wine discovered a particular bottle that he had had in South Africa so was happy. The late night atmosphere was relaxed, the trudge to the room not so good, but all in all, for North London, but a stone's throw from our business destination, at the price, I'd go back. I will recommend, but with caveats on expectations.

Cramped, pokey, shabby and smelly.............. but enough of the staff. I'm sure you'd rather hear about the rooms.

Where to start? I've experienced the Barn Hotel many times over the last six years (with a two year break) because my employers insisted on using it when I/we are in the area.

At first there were only the old rooms and judging by some of the reviews here they've not changed a bit. Dated, small, a bit whiffy. The sort of place you often ended up in on school trips but without the frisson of planning how to get to the girls/boys rooms without getting caught. In the single rooms I had to put my suitcase on the bed, remove whatever I wanted then close the suitcase and stand it in the corner, there just wasn't room to have it open.

Now there's the new, you-beaut, 'executive' wing built in a minimalist style a couple of years ago. Contemporary looking from the outside they are certainly a lot better than the old rooms but it's like someone was given free rein with a Maplins electronic gadget catalogue at the building stage and then fitted out by a colour-blind chimp (remember, brown wire goes right, blue goes left and yellow/green up the middle). The water feature at the front is evaporating and green, if there any fish they're long dead. There's no plaque outside explaining the Machiavelian numbering system either (and the staff NEVER give directions on checking in) so we often spend five minutes ort so wandering the grounds and corridors.

Half the gadgets don't work having failed, I suspect, soon after installation. As already stated there are TWO TV remotes (one for the bedroom and one for the bathroom) but the one in the bathroom only works on the same channel as the one in the bedroom and only if you are dead centre in front of the screen which means you can't watch the telly from the toilet. Err, apparently. You can increase the volume on Tuesdays if you first spin three times in a clockwise direction and the channels won't change unless there's an 'R' in the month. Seriously, telly in the bathroom is a nice thought but I suspect most people give up within two minutes. Note to hotel management. Rip all the gimmicky stuff out, install something simple and reliable and maintain it properly.

In the suites a peek behind the bedsite cabinets reveals a mass of multi-coloured wiring that would do NASA proud. It all has the air of a bodged job of the sort that, well, to be frank the sort of job I'd do and I regularly electrocute myself changing a light bulb. Window blinds and skylights that open on a timer are great if a) you know they're there and b) some health fetishist of the last guest hasn't pre-set them to coincide with the dawn chorus. The sight of the tatty blinds with broken strings and dead control boxes just adds to the shabbiness as do the bare wires hanging out of the wall in the hallway.

Seriously? A nice attempt, clearly lots of money has been spent but there's no point in doing it half-cocked if the gadgets break down or are too much of a faff to work.

I've only eaten breakfast at the Barn. The buffet is average with cereals, juice, pastries, fruit and yoghurt but stray into the cooked food territory and it can get interesting. I'm sure they fill up all the coffee pots at 6am and just let them stew and go cold. If you want coffee after 8am bring a knife and fork to consume it with after first re-heating it on the radiator. The waiting staff are sweet but probably untrained, unless you specify otherwise you'll only ever get one rasher of bacon that's so overcooked you could have someone's eye out with it. For a laugh try ordering soft-boiled eggs. I had to tell them how long to boil the eggs for (they were still undercooked and inedible) and when they arrived rolling around on a plate (free-range maybe?). I had to have them go look for an eggcup. Five minutes later, when I'd scalded my fingerprints off trying to hold a hot egg and take the top off) I was informed that they didn't have eggcups. Who'd have thunk it, eh? Eggcups. I mean, who usues those any more? Points for trying though, another five minutes later they brought me a shot glass from the bar but by then I'd lost the will to live, let alone scoff two underdone eggs.

Far better to eat out and for this there are a number of decent indian, chinese, thai, italian and other restaurants nearby. Some of them sell take-away as proven by the guest who brough his into the bar area and sat there stuffing his face, stinking the place out and quaffing a pint of Old Wifebeater.

Would I recommend The Barn? Yes, but purely for a laugh.